Re-sized

When I was about eight years old...I don't remember exactly how old.
I was a little bit obsessed with shiny rings, made out of real stones and metals...the kind that grown ups wore.
I was the oldest of at least four...probably five...at the time, and I wanted to feel like a real grown up with real jewelry.

My wonderful, accommodating family came to my rescue.  My mom and Grandma Nancy took me to Meijer  (exactly the place for expensive jewelry) and they let me spend all of my birthday money on two shiny rings, made of real silver.

I was a proud kid!

A few weeks later, I went swimming with some friends from church.  It was a sunny day at a classic Michigan beach.  Lots of dirt--not exactly clear water.

Somewhere in that day, I lost my favorite of the two rings.

Now...to the young, eight year old version of myself, this was a tragedy.  I remember sobbing and praying my silly heart out, that God would bring my ring back to me.  I prayed with the kind of foolish faith, that thought that God cared about the things that I cared about...and that if I asked really hard, that he would answer my prayer.

He did.  I got my treasure back.

Now...I could tell you about the other two times that I lost my ring...(but that is another story).

When I first bought my ring, it was way too big for my hand.  I wore it on my middle finger, and it was still large enough to slip off.

Eventually, I grew into it...and then I grew out of it.  It lived in my dad's jewelry box for a long time.

Finally, I re-discovered it just before college and wore it on my smallest finger for a long time.  It was a reminder to me of the innocence of prayer, and of the fact that God deeply cares about me...and that sometimes he answers our prayers even if they are foolish and small.
The reminder was further emphasized by the fact that the ring that had once been too big for any of my fingers was now tight on my smallest.

A few weeks ago, Bob and I went to a jeweler to look at wedding rings.  While I was there, I decided to have my little ring sized up so that it would fit my grown up hand.

I picked it up today.  It looked beautiful, and shiny and new...and so different.
I am still trying to get used to the way it looks at feels.

 And I, being the sentimental sob that I am, miss my little ring. I have found myself surprised whenever I have seen my hand all day.

Here's the thing...I am crossing over into a part of my life where all sense of childhood is slowly stepping out of my life. Where, I am starting the painful process of budgeting, of really planning a future, of learning what it means to trust God in word without the safety nets of childhood.

It is time for me to learn what childlike faith looks like on an adult.  What does it mean for an innocent trust in God to translate over into maturity, into making wise decisions, of dying to oneself.

What does is mean to embrace maturity, without loosing innocence?

Is it possible to hold onto a childlike faith that doesn't remain small?

The Writer

You know,

I suffer from the inability to express my deeper musings without a metaphor...actually I am not always aware of my own feelings until I find some metaphor our outside idea as a translation.

This strange part of my life, the step between being a college student, and being an independent adult has been a strange one for me...

Mostly in the fact that I have been very calm about it!

Disclaimer: by "Calm" I mean calm for me. I am a person who is, generally, overflowing with emotions. My calm is the equivalent of many people's excited...so keep that in mind.

For some reason, this transition has involved practically no tears, few stressed out rants, and very little stress eating, shopping or sleeping.

For a while, this really suprised me...

That is until I watched "Bones" this week.

Ok...disclaimer again: I often connect my life to TV shows. I don't know why, but I absolutely love fictional drama and could be defined as an obsessive fan of a few. In this case: "Bones"

Not to give anything away: but this season finale had an expected (or mostly unexpected) ending. It was the kind of unexpected that left poor, innocent viewers in complete bewilderment as to what the next episodes will look like. They could either be awesome, or horrible...either way: it will be different!

After frantically discussing the plot with some friends on facebook, and nerdily reading a blog or four about it...I sat back and wondered why I cared so much.

It is just a TV show! but...

it is one that I like, a lot, and the writers of that show could literally do anything they want to it.

They could (any may) make some terrible decisions, and a story that I have enjoyed could end badly...that would make me sad and it is a future that is outside of my control.

It dawned on me that, right now, I am more stressed out about a TV show's future than my own.

This could be for one of two reasons:

1) I am in denial, and cannot bring myself to process what is actually happening

or

2) (and I hope this is it) I actually trust the author of my life. He doesn't make bad decision. Actually, he makes us for a lot of mine. He knows the next season of my life, and is not wondering what it will look like. He already knows and he is already there. So, I am left in a position of not knowing what the my next episode will look like, but I do not have to dread it. I already know that it is good.

In between...

Dear People (my people)

I hope that you know how deeply I value each and every one of you.

At this moment, I am thinking in particular of that delightful group of women that I have shared my life with over the past few years. That wonderful, sleep-deprived, goofy, and stressed out group of college students. I hope that you, my dear friends, know how much I have valued being in your presence. Even in the midst of greesy DC food, piles of unfinished homework, and all nighters, you always brought a sense of joy into my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now, as I leave my world of shower caddies, easy mac and Blackboard, I am increasingly convinced that we must remain connected. Our lives were beautifully interwoven my a creative God, and I am convinced that he intended for this connection to be eternal. I believe that he delighted in each of our silly conversations, in all of our inside jokes, and in our desperate attempts to love one one another in spite of our living together. I believe that he enjoys our community as much as we do.

As I move into another community, my hope is that the best of our community will go with me. That our friendships will blend into the new connections and destinations of life. That somehow, our connection will bless new communities that we may never know about.

So...people, you will be hearing from me again soon, because I love you, I feel radically blessed to have you in my life.

God bless you...I will be praying for you

~Becky

OCD Much?

Ok...I think I have a problem.

So, in the past two months I have sent in a lot of job applications.
(By a lot I mean something like 27).

What you should know about these applications is that there evil.

By evil I mean this...

I am applying for ministry positions which means that these applications want to know about my personality, relationship with Christ, leadership experience, manegment style, opinion about the use of rubber ducks, philosophy of fruit salad and favorite color to paint my toe nails.

What I am saying is that these suckers take a lot of time to write.

They also do this cool trick where they ask you INSANE questions that philosophers have been working on for the past 2000 years or so and they say "Please answer this in 200 words or less"

My thought here...
"Cool, I could do that...if I were a wizard with the ability to magically cut words in half!"

So...anyway, I have spent much of my recent life working on paperwork.

I have also gotten lots of exercise running back and forth to the post office with awkward looking piles of matching white envelope (which cost at least $1 to send...it adds up)

So...here's my issue,
On Monday of this week...I was falling asleep, and then I realized that I had checked my email a minimum of 30 times that day...and probably a whole lot more.

I have also checked my snail mail at least 3.

That's when I realized that I should probably chill out, take a deep breath, and refrain from touching my computer...unless strictly necessary.

Because this OCD email thing...not healthy!

1 Samuel 24-27

"The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness." ~1 Samuel 26:23

I really have a thing for simple verses--for big ideas that can be captured in very few words. I think the phrase above in one such verse.

This a quote from David which he said just after risking his life by choosing not to kill king Saul.

At this point, Saul had made David's life into a living nightmare. He had driven David into hiding for month--he had tried to kill him multiple times, AND he killed dozens of people simply because someone that they were related to had helped David. Despite all of this, David chose not to kill Saul.

After Saul discovered that David had spared his life, he apologized to David and they have a conversation...

towards the end of that conversation

that phrase comes in...

The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness.

I believe that David is expressing the idea that he had to be righteous and he had to be faithful--it did not matter what Saul had done. David knew what he had to do--and that was all that mattered.

I think that David sets up a good standard for all of us. We need to decide what God wants us to be, and we have to be that no matter what happens.
We have to know that he will reward us for being faithful.

1 Samuel 20-23 -Totally Off Topic--well mostly

Alrighty, so right now I am learning a lot.

I am in a class that completely focuses on being a better Christian in the contemporary world...and I am reading Reaching Out by Henri Nouwan!

So my mind is blown a lot at this point....

So tonight, I am going to simply list the things that God has been teaching me...

1. Every person on this planet is lonely, so no, you're not weird!
2. One cannot take care of people if that loneliness dominates their actions. It has to be replaced with a sense of solitude in order for a person to be an effective minister.
3. I am always in a hurry---even when I do not need to be...I should really slow down!
4. Christians need to be much greater listeners than speakers!
5. Christians should be more interested in listening than becoming offended so that they can freely enter into relationships!
6. People Need People

More too come!

1 Samuel 17-19 Question

Tonight I am simply going to post a question...

If you have an answer to it, please post it in the comments.

In these chapters (and some in the previous ones), the Bible talks about Saul having "An evil spirit from the Lord"

What in the world does that mean...?

This seems particularly odd because of James 1:13

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;

Any Ideas?